CATERPILLAR

realize my child you’re not the only one
realize before you cock that gun
run away my child because you’re worth it
run away and never submit
i’m 22 and i still don’t understand
why one grieves for the other

GET AWAY

i don’t want to make poems for you anymore
my neck hurts and my brain is sore
it’s time you get out
out of my amygdala
out of my temperal lobe

finally void of any doubt

LAST

i stucked my sadness
underneathe the table
hoping somebody will come by
and accidentally touch it
and cringe but I
I get the last laugh

172

the snakes in my brain they’re whispering sweet nothings to the little drawings of snakes on your neck. they’re telling me to get the snakes out. cut them out. it’s not safe. they told me to save this. save it in the drafts. cause it’s fucked up. i said no you’re fucked up. they hissed so loudly, i saw white.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT

forgot how much i miss the red behind my eyelids
forgot how much i yearned for a place that don’t exist
not really, it’s more like a hemorrhagic cyst
and one day it’ll extravasate and all i’ll see is red

GOALS

  • You don’t need people who make you feel like you want to kill yourself in your life.
  • Don’t kill yourself.
  • You can be weird but you have to be confident.
  • Don’t sacrifice sweat, time and effort for people unless you know deep down you love them.
  • Stop being nice to everyone.
  • Don’t let people make you feel like your life is shit just because you don’t want to achieve what you should be achieving.
  • Be confident of what you want for your future.
  • Don’t let anyone influence that.
  • Bad things happen so stop getting hung up on that shit. Re-evaluate and get your head back and the game.
  • True happiness is little things we take advantage of. Identify and be appreciative.
  • Big dreams are scary but you have to believe in it. It’s your last hope of staying true to yourself.
  • Don’t give up.
  • You have to fight, it’s the only way you can win.
  • You can second-guess yourself only if you have a better idea on how you can actually do it.
  • Cry a lot. That’s the only way you know you still have heart.
  • Don’t name them unless you’re 100% certain they want to stay.
  • Trust yourself. Trust that you can do it. That you can pull through. Trust even if you’re forgetful, clumsy, lazy, etc.
  • Disappointment is a normal emotion. Just don’t stay like that for a long time.
  • Don’t look at the bright side either if you don’t want to engage with disappointment’s step sister: regret.
  • You don’t have to depend on somebody to be happy.
  • You don’t owe anyone happiness.
  • You don’t need to be happy just because you “have to”.

ARE WE CLEAR

you provided me with a little fantasy
and i was as satisfied as a sleeping cat
but lately reality has been hitting
the back of head with a baseball bat

But it’s ok now. I understand. It’s not something personal. It wasn’t even to begin with. You just said all the things I wanted to hear which is understandable given you’d do anything to get want you want from me. I just hope you don’t feel like you’ve tricked me into doing something I don’t want cause I DID want to do it. And it was nice while it lasted, I guess (minus the fact that I’ve somehow liked you in the process) (like, like like you) (probably not gonna get over you for a long time) (but whatevs).

Important thing is I’ve understood.

NEVER ENOUGH

Not intellectual enough. Not sweet enough. Not cool enough. Not prude enough. Not horny enough. Not feminine enough. Not hard-working enough. Not focused enough. Not early enough. Not short enough. Not eating enough. Not smiling enough. Not caring enough. Not nice enough. Not matured enough. Not confident enough. Not pretty enough. Not natural enough. Not graceful enough. Not coordinated enough. Not patient enough. Not sympathetic enough. Not trusting enough. Not doubtful enough. Not sincere enough. Not creative enough. Not healthy enough. 

Not normal enough.

-

I’m starting to cut myself again. But this time it felt normal like I don’t feel like I should stop. I’ve stopped for 4 months before. I don’t even wait to get home I just do it anywhere I can find a toilet so I can have some alone time and cut. Even as I type now I don’t feel like it’s a problem I should address. Like I’ve completely accepted this to be part of who I am. I don’t even care if people find out and try to help or whatever cause I don’t care any more. I don’t even tell myself this any more: “Ok this will be the last time you’re gonna do this. THAT’S IT LAST TIME.”

Also, I can’t believe I started doing this when I was 16 (which is 5 years ago) like woah, time flew by fast, man. Actually, this is the first time I talked about it publicly (is tumblr public?)

Also, another weird thing. That other day I watched Carrie, there was this scene when her mom cut herself with the sewing thing (i don’t know what it’s called technically). I just felt like I want to cut myself too. Idk why, I just wanted to feel it.